Tonight was for comparing notes. On all and sundry.
I am toooooo tired to blog about the whirlwind of a day that today has been. But there is one thing I must absolutely remember. That is regarding faith.
In good times, it is easy to have faith. Faith is that wind that keeps your boat floating on the waves in calm azure seas. In clement weather, the wind blows like a child's kiss and your ship sails smoothly.
In bad times, it's sometimes less easy to have faith. Unclement weather will see your boat rock. In fact it sometimes gets so rough out there that your boat gets tossed and slapped repeatedly, making you sick to your stomach. You forget the wind, even though it is blowing and bellowing loudly. You may even blame the wind.
But isn't it a fact that only the wind can bring a boat to safe shores or cause it to sink? Isn't it a fact that the wind, invisible and untameable, is the only force that can pull your boat from tumultuous seas to calmer waters? Isn't it a fact that without wind, a boat will be a deserted still vessel?
It would appear that the weather is rather unclement for us these days. Our boat has been swaying and tilting much lately.
But I am counting on the wind. To bring along a sweet little breeze after the storm. A whisper so llight and flimsy that our boat will gently rock to sleep on its distant lullaby. IA. :)
Thursday, 12 May 2011
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Constipation, Cat, Call
Today has not been one of my better days.
I woke up with tummy ache (probably a combination of constipation, impending/suspending periods and eating too much) which by mid afternoon had turned into a mild headache and total fatigue, with the consequence that I feel like a whale and I have been and still am in an awfully bad mood.
Also, I am having to breathe through my mouth to get enough air! I really can't figure out what my body is doing today.
On the up side, the Cat called me this afternoon. See, the moment I found out I had cancer, I had a list of people whom I had to inform about this. He was obviously one of them.
In fact, the morning after my biopsy results confirmed the lump was malignant, I was in his office breaking news that I myself had difficulty grasping. I guess one of the reasons I wanted to see him was because he is familiar with this disease. And at that point in time, I was only a beginner in cancerish. I badly needed a crash course on cancer.
Now, the Cat is a busy bee and when a busy bee takes time away from the beehive to check on me, I feel particularly good.
And that's something I am learning to apply myself. Towards others.
One quick sms, a one-line email or one phone call is sometimes all it takes to make someone feel good.
Ain't that just fabulous?
I woke up with tummy ache (probably a combination of constipation, impending/suspending periods and eating too much) which by mid afternoon had turned into a mild headache and total fatigue, with the consequence that I feel like a whale and I have been and still am in an awfully bad mood.
Also, I am having to breathe through my mouth to get enough air! I really can't figure out what my body is doing today.
On the up side, the Cat called me this afternoon. See, the moment I found out I had cancer, I had a list of people whom I had to inform about this. He was obviously one of them.
In fact, the morning after my biopsy results confirmed the lump was malignant, I was in his office breaking news that I myself had difficulty grasping. I guess one of the reasons I wanted to see him was because he is familiar with this disease. And at that point in time, I was only a beginner in cancerish. I badly needed a crash course on cancer.
Now, the Cat is a busy bee and when a busy bee takes time away from the beehive to check on me, I feel particularly good.
And that's something I am learning to apply myself. Towards others.
One quick sms, a one-line email or one phone call is sometimes all it takes to make someone feel good.
Ain't that just fabulous?
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Tickle my brain
I want to watch a good movie.
Something as brilliant as "Analyse This".
Something so effing genius that it tickles my brain.
Something as brilliant as "Analyse This".
Something so effing genius that it tickles my brain.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Indecency
Past a certain point, it becomes indecent to rule as if you are a king.
Simply because you look ridiculous being all mighty and holy when in fact, you are no more than a frail piece of life that's hanging on to past imaginary glory.
Also because your kingdom no longer counts faithful soldiers standing in line for that glance/word of approval from the king. That kingdom is now a fiefdom with warlords who specialise in covert operations complete with artful camouflage and guerilla techniques. That kingdom is a snakepit.
Simply because you look ridiculous being all mighty and holy when in fact, you are no more than a frail piece of life that's hanging on to past imaginary glory.
Also because your kingdom no longer counts faithful soldiers standing in line for that glance/word of approval from the king. That kingdom is now a fiefdom with warlords who specialise in covert operations complete with artful camouflage and guerilla techniques. That kingdom is a snakepit.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Extraordinary
The sweetest, cutest moment of today was seeing Ouma and Matt dance for their audience.
With carefully rehearsed steps, their own mise en scene and happiness shining in their eyes, they remined me that this life is indeed extraordinary.
How else can you explain so much contrast and harmony? So much of ALL that exists?
With carefully rehearsed steps, their own mise en scene and happiness shining in their eyes, they remined me that this life is indeed extraordinary.
How else can you explain so much contrast and harmony? So much of ALL that exists?
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Alhamdulillah - Part III
Tan's sister is getting married this weekend. Defining moment for the bride, groom and their families, but also for me!
I will remember this wedding as the one I attended while on cancer treatment.
A long time ago, I read on someone's blog a beautiful post on how you sometimes take your heartache/sorrow travelling just to see how the heartache/sorrow would "behave" next to old monuments, landmarks and other touristy sights and activities.
If I remember correctly, the post concluded with the realisation that wherever you go, whatever you do, you've somehow carried your heartache/sorrow with you all the way, a bit like that old baby blanket that you find yourself holding on to, even though you may be an adult with your own kids and cats.
I think somewhere deep down I was curious to know how I would react to going to a wedding with cancer.
I can tell you it went just fine. Sure enough, my cancer kept me company but in a very docile way. It let me enjoy the atmosphere, the people, the food, the conversations, the happiness all around.
When I crashed for a nap in the afternoon, it was with a sense of satisfaction that I closed my eyes.
I may have an artificial bun made out of fabric and no hair, I may wear heels and makeup that adequately mask the pain of a bad headache or fatigue, I may smile broadly to show you that your caring words and concern have touched my heart, but through it all, I am deeply content that I made it.
I made it to the wedding. To living a life as normal as humanly possible. And for that, I say Alhamdulillah.
I will remember this wedding as the one I attended while on cancer treatment.
A long time ago, I read on someone's blog a beautiful post on how you sometimes take your heartache/sorrow travelling just to see how the heartache/sorrow would "behave" next to old monuments, landmarks and other touristy sights and activities.
If I remember correctly, the post concluded with the realisation that wherever you go, whatever you do, you've somehow carried your heartache/sorrow with you all the way, a bit like that old baby blanket that you find yourself holding on to, even though you may be an adult with your own kids and cats.
I think somewhere deep down I was curious to know how I would react to going to a wedding with cancer.
I can tell you it went just fine. Sure enough, my cancer kept me company but in a very docile way. It let me enjoy the atmosphere, the people, the food, the conversations, the happiness all around.
When I crashed for a nap in the afternoon, it was with a sense of satisfaction that I closed my eyes.
I may have an artificial bun made out of fabric and no hair, I may wear heels and makeup that adequately mask the pain of a bad headache or fatigue, I may smile broadly to show you that your caring words and concern have touched my heart, but through it all, I am deeply content that I made it.
I made it to the wedding. To living a life as normal as humanly possible. And for that, I say Alhamdulillah.
Friday, 6 May 2011
Silence
Here's how a person dies from cancer http://penmachine-bu.appspot.com/
Reading this has taken away my rant.
Peace to all those who've departed this way.
Knowing death is a few days/weeks away is something I have not known on this journey.
No one can know unless they are there.
We think, imagine, infer, but we wait our turns to know.
I don't know. So I will keep silent.
Reading this has taken away my rant.
Peace to all those who've departed this way.
Knowing death is a few days/weeks away is something I have not known on this journey.
No one can know unless they are there.
We think, imagine, infer, but we wait our turns to know.
I don't know. So I will keep silent.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
I hate you!
Amy, over at Babies or not, just blogged about hating chemo. Funny that I too have intended to blog about hating since this morning.
I have been feeling this emotion for the past few days in fact. Hatred. It's not a mild dislike or an annoying displeasure. It's flaming red-hot HATRED. An emotion so intense I don't think I've felt it often in my 35 years, if at all. An emotion that makes my adrenaline flow with a vengence. An emotion that might have very costly implications in the future!
Yes, I hate you! By you, I mean my bathroom, my kitchen, my sofa, my bed, my bedsheets and pillowcases, my bag, my clothes, my mirror, my talcum powder, my creams, my facewash, my toothpaste, my fridge, my shower gel, my own body odour (yes, I can smell that too!), my laptop and the list is endless!
By you, I mean, all smells that I know and did not know I could know.
It's hard to describe really. All of a sudden, my nose is like a magnet, picking up on the minutest pieces of iron in this wide universe. I smell things! And my synapses link all of those things directly to the hospital bed where I have chemo. And it makes want to barf.
I've tried cover ups with air fresheners, detergents, and other chemicals, but those make me ready to barf in fewer seconds!
Lavender is something I hate with great intensity these days. So please, if you wear lavender perfume, don't befriend me. It's best for you, trust me.
Today, while chatting with OJM about this heightened sense of smell, we diverged onto intimacy issues. Usually in hard times, the best thing to have is a supportive companion (spouse/boyfriend/partner/whatever).
But let me tell you this. With my nose as it is, I'm almost glad there is no man in the picture for me. I am pretty sure I would have hated him too!
The damage in terms of re-doing the house, my wardrobe, my entire self at the end of chemo may amount to a little forture, but at least with me, myself and I, I need not worry there would be any irreparable damage done to another poor soul. Because, you see, with the level of hatred coursing through my veins, the potential for damage is very very high.
I have been feeling this emotion for the past few days in fact. Hatred. It's not a mild dislike or an annoying displeasure. It's flaming red-hot HATRED. An emotion so intense I don't think I've felt it often in my 35 years, if at all. An emotion that makes my adrenaline flow with a vengence. An emotion that might have very costly implications in the future!
Yes, I hate you! By you, I mean my bathroom, my kitchen, my sofa, my bed, my bedsheets and pillowcases, my bag, my clothes, my mirror, my talcum powder, my creams, my facewash, my toothpaste, my fridge, my shower gel, my own body odour (yes, I can smell that too!), my laptop and the list is endless!
By you, I mean, all smells that I know and did not know I could know.
It's hard to describe really. All of a sudden, my nose is like a magnet, picking up on the minutest pieces of iron in this wide universe. I smell things! And my synapses link all of those things directly to the hospital bed where I have chemo. And it makes want to barf.
I've tried cover ups with air fresheners, detergents, and other chemicals, but those make me ready to barf in fewer seconds!
Lavender is something I hate with great intensity these days. So please, if you wear lavender perfume, don't befriend me. It's best for you, trust me.
Today, while chatting with OJM about this heightened sense of smell, we diverged onto intimacy issues. Usually in hard times, the best thing to have is a supportive companion (spouse/boyfriend/partner/whatever).
But let me tell you this. With my nose as it is, I'm almost glad there is no man in the picture for me. I am pretty sure I would have hated him too!
The damage in terms of re-doing the house, my wardrobe, my entire self at the end of chemo may amount to a little forture, but at least with me, myself and I, I need not worry there would be any irreparable damage done to another poor soul. Because, you see, with the level of hatred coursing through my veins, the potential for damage is very very high.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Go to the manual
I have put on weight. I guess I must have known it on some psychological level, but it took Tan's explicit statement yesterday for me to openly admit that yes, I am rounder around the tummy and just about everywhere else!
Of course, all those snacks, sweets, juices et al add on the Kgs while taking away the bad taste in my mouth! But hey, I'll live with being round. Just please let me have my self back!
Tan is in town with her boys. She is another one of those mommies with boundless energy. A real engine.
But Tan is not just an engine. She is an engine with a manual. A leather-bound manual.
What do you do when you are stuck? You go to the manual. Therein you will find a range of possible solutions to your one problem.
That is Tan. A manual clearly laid out, efficient, practical, logical, functional. A DIY step-by-step guide to living.
I am real glad she is in town. Without her knowing, she'll fix a few broken parts of me. She is one of those people whose love does not stay within the four chambers of the heart. It comes spillng out to you and your parents and your sister and your nephew and if you had a duck in the backyard, to the duck too. That's how generous a spirit she is.
Looking forward to going back to my manual :)
Of course, all those snacks, sweets, juices et al add on the Kgs while taking away the bad taste in my mouth! But hey, I'll live with being round. Just please let me have my self back!
Tan is in town with her boys. She is another one of those mommies with boundless energy. A real engine.
But Tan is not just an engine. She is an engine with a manual. A leather-bound manual.
What do you do when you are stuck? You go to the manual. Therein you will find a range of possible solutions to your one problem.
That is Tan. A manual clearly laid out, efficient, practical, logical, functional. A DIY step-by-step guide to living.
I am real glad she is in town. Without her knowing, she'll fix a few broken parts of me. She is one of those people whose love does not stay within the four chambers of the heart. It comes spillng out to you and your parents and your sister and your nephew and if you had a duck in the backyard, to the duck too. That's how generous a spirit she is.
Looking forward to going back to my manual :)
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Holding my breath
This 3rd chemo round is the worst. I am not joking here. The nausea has trespassed the confines of my mouth and throat to reach my stomach. So I stand over my washbasin to retch and heave and spit until I feel reasonably ok to move away. Since Friday, putting anything in my mouth feels like taking a risk. Thank God for yoghurt.
It is labour day in this country and today marks 3 years exactly since I returned from the United States. Three years of episode after strange episode in my life. There was the confusion, followed by the best friendship I was to know, then came the massive heartbreak, more of the confusion, the desperation and then illness in its varied forms.
The good parts must have been there but they seem so distant for some reason. Oh yes, the trip to Malaysia and the cruise to the Indian Ocean islands with the parents and of course the invitation to Islam.
Three years later, I am in a strange place. A place I never imagined I'd be. Somewhere where I feel that my head is under the water but I am neither sinking nor floating. I am just holding my breath.
It is labour day in this country and today marks 3 years exactly since I returned from the United States. Three years of episode after strange episode in my life. There was the confusion, followed by the best friendship I was to know, then came the massive heartbreak, more of the confusion, the desperation and then illness in its varied forms.
The good parts must have been there but they seem so distant for some reason. Oh yes, the trip to Malaysia and the cruise to the Indian Ocean islands with the parents and of course the invitation to Islam.
Three years later, I am in a strange place. A place I never imagined I'd be. Somewhere where I feel that my head is under the water but I am neither sinking nor floating. I am just holding my breath.
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