Today I was looking at some pics of myself from last year. I had hair. Quite long and straight.
I looked more human, less alien.
I want my hair back, my Allah. Please fast forward time for me. I want to have the freedom of not wearing a cap constantly. I want to run my hand through strands of my hair.
Before cancer, I had eyes but could not see.
Now, I can see. And I want to see my self.
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Saturday, 11 June 2011
Happy and achy
Quiet happy day full of pancakes, good cheer and Rayyaan. Alhamdulillah.
Am achy and tired.
Goodnight.
Am achy and tired.
Goodnight.
Friday, 10 June 2011
Small step, huge leap
If you are Mauritian and enjoy poisson sale like I do, you would know that your nose picks up on the smell of it cooking from miles away and your tastebuds rejoice at its taste.
So tonight when I ate and had absolutely no taste of it, I was a bit thrown. Nevermind.
NOTHING is going to deflect me from the joy of knowing that my ovaries are still functioning and the fact that my onco today moved to the next step by referring me to the radiotherapist.
In this time warp where I am stuck, a little step forward feels like a huge leap ahead...ahead unto unknown territory, but hey, I'll take any small step that life is giving me.
So tonight when I ate and had absolutely no taste of it, I was a bit thrown. Nevermind.
NOTHING is going to deflect me from the joy of knowing that my ovaries are still functioning and the fact that my onco today moved to the next step by referring me to the radiotherapist.
In this time warp where I am stuck, a little step forward feels like a huge leap ahead...ahead unto unknown territory, but hey, I'll take any small step that life is giving me.
Thursday, 9 June 2011
24 days
24 days left before 2nd July.
I MUST hang in there. Because at the end of this phase I WILL CELEBRATE Insha Allah.
I don't know how just yet. I also don't know why I should be celebrating when I will still have other phases of treatment left. But the urge to celebrate the end of chemo is VERY strong. The end of chemo feels like an achievement for which some form of reward is warranted. Maybe someone could give me a medal in July? For surviving self-imposed torture or something.
Because chemo is tough people. It is tough in between the sessions when you feel normal for hours on end only to be blasted with a wave of fatigue or a sudden ache or an anxiety attack at the most unexpected moments. It is tougher a few days before when you try to brace yourself for the onslaught while deep down you cower like a wounded animal. It is toughest on the day itself and the few days that follow when your body is taken over by toxic chemicals and all you want to do is leave that body, but really there is nothing you can do about it except wait it out.
Chemo is tough, tougher and toughest all in and by itself. I can't wait for it to be over...
I MUST hang in there. Because at the end of this phase I WILL CELEBRATE Insha Allah.
I don't know how just yet. I also don't know why I should be celebrating when I will still have other phases of treatment left. But the urge to celebrate the end of chemo is VERY strong. The end of chemo feels like an achievement for which some form of reward is warranted. Maybe someone could give me a medal in July? For surviving self-imposed torture or something.
Because chemo is tough people. It is tough in between the sessions when you feel normal for hours on end only to be blasted with a wave of fatigue or a sudden ache or an anxiety attack at the most unexpected moments. It is tougher a few days before when you try to brace yourself for the onslaught while deep down you cower like a wounded animal. It is toughest on the day itself and the few days that follow when your body is taken over by toxic chemicals and all you want to do is leave that body, but really there is nothing you can do about it except wait it out.
Chemo is tough, tougher and toughest all in and by itself. I can't wait for it to be over...
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Slap in the face
Have you ever been ripped off? If you have, you would know that it is a very unpleasant feeling.
And I can imagine that being ripped off by an acquaintance, a close relative or an ex partner must be that unpleasant feeling multiplied a thousand times.
Because inevitably, when you have known/know someone, you expect a modicum of consideration....it is one of those unwritten rules in life. You go the extra mile for them, cut them some slack, bend backwards a little and even cross certain barriers into non-kosher territory just to make sure they are well taken care of.
To have yourseld ripped off by someone you know is a slap in the face. It is a betrayal of friendship or for that matter, any form of relationship.
If your business rips you of your humanity, even in the noblest of professions, you are doomed. Because the curse echoing in a broken heart is mightier than all the money, power and glory you may possess.
And I can imagine that being ripped off by an acquaintance, a close relative or an ex partner must be that unpleasant feeling multiplied a thousand times.
Because inevitably, when you have known/know someone, you expect a modicum of consideration....it is one of those unwritten rules in life. You go the extra mile for them, cut them some slack, bend backwards a little and even cross certain barriers into non-kosher territory just to make sure they are well taken care of.
To have yourseld ripped off by someone you know is a slap in the face. It is a betrayal of friendship or for that matter, any form of relationship.
If your business rips you of your humanity, even in the noblest of professions, you are doomed. Because the curse echoing in a broken heart is mightier than all the money, power and glory you may possess.
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Stop
Things I should STOP doing:
- Resisting sleep
- Sit for idle gossip
- Wearing heels for too long
- Redecorating a non existent space in my mind
- Visiting Amazon.com
Monday, 6 June 2011
Pretending
One of the worst experiences in life is pretending not to know when you actually know. But I agree. Sometimes, it is best to pretend not to know when you know.
It is absolute torture to know that your partner is a cheater. It may not necessarily be cheating with another human being. It can take multiple forms. Like gambling, booze, facebook, friends or any activity that has reached the level of addiction, so much so that it steals that person away from you.
To sit in their company knowing they long to be somewhere else, to share their bed knowing their brain holds images of someone/something else, to talk to them knowing they have not heard you, to look into their eyes only to see them glazed by a memory you have not shared, that is absolute torture.
Because, inevitably, it kills your soul. You die a little each time you reach out to them and they move away, out of reach.
So you pretend. You pretend not to know that you have competition and that it won. You pretend that it does not matter.
Sometimes pretending that you don't know is all you can do to save your sanity. Forget dignity, righteousness, justice. You are fighting for your sanity. And the only way to do it is by pretending.
It is absolute torture to know that your partner is a cheater. It may not necessarily be cheating with another human being. It can take multiple forms. Like gambling, booze, facebook, friends or any activity that has reached the level of addiction, so much so that it steals that person away from you.
To sit in their company knowing they long to be somewhere else, to share their bed knowing their brain holds images of someone/something else, to talk to them knowing they have not heard you, to look into their eyes only to see them glazed by a memory you have not shared, that is absolute torture.
Because, inevitably, it kills your soul. You die a little each time you reach out to them and they move away, out of reach.
So you pretend. You pretend not to know that you have competition and that it won. You pretend that it does not matter.
Sometimes pretending that you don't know is all you can do to save your sanity. Forget dignity, righteousness, justice. You are fighting for your sanity. And the only way to do it is by pretending.
Sunday, 5 June 2011
We are family
In the past 2 days, I've had 2 people tell me that their families are complicated.
In such circumstances, I tend to point out that all families are somewhat complicated. Inevitably, the response is that their particular family is undoubtedly one of the most complicated ones.
ALL families are complicated. That's a fact.
Now, I have recently turned into a family advocate, complicated or otherwise. In the past, I used to turn up my nose at anything remotely connected to family, be it gatherings, obligations or interventions. My motto then was: run as far away from them as you can...and fast.
These days, I am more tolerant of family. I can even derive pleasure from them. And I actually love watching the dynamics of families.
Sometimes, the smiles and laughs flow freely and the conversations are perky and crispy with family. At other times, people sit next to each other in stony silence, refusing to acknowledge each other. At yet other times, the sparks fly openly, daggers are thrown at each other's heart and soul. It gets nasty and ugly. Civility is conveniently forgotten.
But when all said and done, I think families are somewhat cute. They bring you enough craziness to keep you sane. And enough troubles to keep you zen.
Yes, we are family....a bunch of quirky nutcase folks thrown together in a haphazard way, for better or worse. It is God's design. His way to keep us real. Who would be fool enough to challenge that???
Wish me luck with mine and I'll wish you luck with yours. :)
In such circumstances, I tend to point out that all families are somewhat complicated. Inevitably, the response is that their particular family is undoubtedly one of the most complicated ones.
ALL families are complicated. That's a fact.
Now, I have recently turned into a family advocate, complicated or otherwise. In the past, I used to turn up my nose at anything remotely connected to family, be it gatherings, obligations or interventions. My motto then was: run as far away from them as you can...and fast.
These days, I am more tolerant of family. I can even derive pleasure from them. And I actually love watching the dynamics of families.
Sometimes, the smiles and laughs flow freely and the conversations are perky and crispy with family. At other times, people sit next to each other in stony silence, refusing to acknowledge each other. At yet other times, the sparks fly openly, daggers are thrown at each other's heart and soul. It gets nasty and ugly. Civility is conveniently forgotten.
But when all said and done, I think families are somewhat cute. They bring you enough craziness to keep you sane. And enough troubles to keep you zen.
Yes, we are family....a bunch of quirky nutcase folks thrown together in a haphazard way, for better or worse. It is God's design. His way to keep us real. Who would be fool enough to challenge that???
Wish me luck with mine and I'll wish you luck with yours. :)
Saturday, 4 June 2011
Sakina
On days like today, I am reminded of how merciful the Creator is. How He never forsakes. How He always provides. How close He always is.
Thank you my Allah. For sakina.
Thank you my Allah. For sakina.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Letting go...
How do I explain letting go?
Not the letting go of an idea, a dream, a heartache or an obsession. The letting go of the big things in life we all earn to do as we mature. Or if we don't, destiny will whip us so bad where it hurts most that we end up letting go anyway.
But the letting go of your grip on life. The one we all hold onto with clenched fists even without us knowing it. The letting go of the small things with the big ones. The letting go of parts of your personality or habits which, if released, will make you free. The letting go of assumptions and sometimes perceptions. The letting go of your own standards. The letting go of your own person so that you flow with life, as one beautiful fluid stream.
How do I explain this letting go?
How do I make you understand that opening your clenched fist just a little will NOT make you any less than who you are.
Just believe me. Let go and you will see.
You are not important. Life is.
Not the letting go of an idea, a dream, a heartache or an obsession. The letting go of the big things in life we all earn to do as we mature. Or if we don't, destiny will whip us so bad where it hurts most that we end up letting go anyway.
But the letting go of your grip on life. The one we all hold onto with clenched fists even without us knowing it. The letting go of the small things with the big ones. The letting go of parts of your personality or habits which, if released, will make you free. The letting go of assumptions and sometimes perceptions. The letting go of your own standards. The letting go of your own person so that you flow with life, as one beautiful fluid stream.
How do I explain this letting go?
How do I make you understand that opening your clenched fist just a little will NOT make you any less than who you are.
Just believe me. Let go and you will see.
You are not important. Life is.
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