Saturday, 28 January 2012

Hair, Kisses and Music

In this roller coaster ride with Ca, it had not occured to me that others might have feared seeing the physical changes in my body. 

I am not talking of immediate family and friends who have walked with me on this journey.  No.  I am talking of those people on the periphery of my life who were used to seeing me a certain way and then, with the advent of Ca, suddenly started seeing me with colourful head scarves that was almost bald scalp!

I must say that I had not realised that others might have harboured fears of seeing my metamorphosis.

Now, this post is not about least not entirely.  I am back here tonight to record a few things:

(i) January has never been an easy month for me.  It is too full of expectations, too new, too fresh, too loaded somehow...Feb and March are also typically not easy months. But I am hoping April onwards will see me more grounded and smiling at life the way I wish to.
(ii) Driving alone is therapeutic.  The other night it helped me listen to my own thoughts better.  Of course, I was angry.  Angry that so much life gets wasted.
(iii) Also therapeutic is placing a line of kisses on a child's chubby cheek.  Kissing is a human impulse.  It is the only way we can take into our own bodies and souls some of the the unique and exquisite melody playing inside someone else. 
(iv) Pain has an old familiarity that I am finding disconcerting.  I am not averse to pain.  But I am averse to pain in the same spot. I wish the pain would migrate to some new location,....go find itself a nice virgin spot and pitch its tent there...anywhere really, so long as it is not in the vicinity of my heart.
(v) Music could have been my middle name.  It is part of my laughter as it is part of my tears.  Tonight, I am picking two for beautiful faces and one for beautiful feelings.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Letter to my Lord

My Dear Lord,

This...this tumult I feel inside...what is it?  Have I fallen from Grace?  Have I been tossed out from the raft of your mercy into the deep ocean of life?

The past few days, I have been breathless.  Deep inside I know time has suddenly shifted.  My heart has been beating faster, my mind caught in the traffic of dreams.  I am suddenly craving life.

It is absolute madness my dear Lord...absolute madness. 

I beseech you.  Please hold onto my treacherous heart.  It is safer with you. 

Your troubled servant,