Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Take a chance

I could not not write something tonight. 

It is Valentine's Day...exactly one year since I started blogging. 

Cancer was my Valentine then. 

Like all my relationships, my affair with Ca knew soaring highs and dumping lows.

Like all my relationships, I lived it fully, often burning myself with the intensity of the emotions it brought me.

Like all my relationships, I remember it with a mixture of strange fondness and acute irritation.

Like all my relationships, I have archived, boxed and stored it in my very soul.

Like all my relationships, I have, by my Allah's Leave, been set free.

This year, my Valentine is a heart that is ready to take a chance...take a chance at life, if not love.

No chocolate, no flowers, none of the cliche of love. 

This V day, we simply dared.  We chose a date.  Let's take that chance my love, for life's sake...

Sunday, 12 February 2012


There is a cyclone hovering around Mauritius these days.  Not doing much except for swishing around wind and occasional rain. 

There is something about cyclones (in fact any powerful natural phenomenon) that brings me an odd sense of peace.  Maybe the outside manifestitation of chaos and beauty nicks the beauty and chaos inside of me, letting peace sit quietly in my heart :)

See, I am a firm believer in equilibrium.  A good for a bad, a new for an old, a birth for a death...you get the picture. 

So lately, it felt inevitable that the balance should tip.  The coward in me wanted time to shift that balance.  But time has had enough of my antics :)  It pointed a finger directly at my face and asked me to do the tipping. 

And I did.  I bent low, reaching for the beauty and chaos of life. 

Alhamdulillah, the whispers landed safely in the palm of your hand. Born was a mea culpa. Born was I.

Monday, 6 February 2012

Secret whispers

I often wonder...could it really be that you are not of this world? 

What then of my secret whispers to you?  Those breezy incomplete sentences that tumble awkwardly from my lips?  Those guilty words of foolish hope?

My ribcage hurts.  The mystery shrouded in darkness knocks around looking for light.  Sadly, it comes back empty and lonely, lost and sorry.

You see, one of these days, I will scream...I will scream from the bottom of my belly.  I will scream so loudly that you will hear me, even if you are not of this world...

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Hair, Kisses and Music

In this roller coaster ride with Ca, it had not occured to me that others might have feared seeing the physical changes in my body. 

I am not talking of immediate family and friends who have walked with me on this journey.  No.  I am talking of those people on the periphery of my life who were used to seeing me a certain way and then, with the advent of Ca, suddenly started seeing me with colourful head scarves that was hiding.....an almost bald scalp!

I must say that I had not realised that others might have harboured fears of seeing my metamorphosis.

Now, this post is not about hair...at least not entirely.  I am back here tonight to record a few things:

(i) January has never been an easy month for me.  It is too full of expectations, too new, too fresh, too loaded somehow...Feb and March are also typically not easy months. But I am hoping April onwards will see me more grounded and smiling at life the way I wish to.
(ii) Driving alone is therapeutic.  The other night it helped me listen to my own thoughts better.  Of course, I was angry.  Angry that so much life gets wasted.
(iii) Also therapeutic is placing a line of kisses on a child's chubby cheek.  Kissing is a human impulse.  It is the only way we can take into our own bodies and souls some of the the unique and exquisite melody playing inside someone else. 
(iv) Pain has an old familiarity that I am finding disconcerting.  I am not averse to pain.  But I am averse to pain in the same spot. I wish the pain would migrate to some new location,....go find itself a nice virgin spot and pitch its tent there...anywhere really, so long as it is not in the vicinity of my heart.
(v) Music could have been my middle name.  It is part of my laughter as it is part of my tears.  Tonight, I am picking two tunes....one for beautiful faces and one for beautiful feelings.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Letter to my Lord

My Dear Lord,

This...this tumult I feel inside...what is it?  Have I fallen from Grace?  Have I been tossed out from the raft of your mercy into the deep ocean of life?

The past few days, I have been breathless.  Deep inside I know time has suddenly shifted.  My heart has been beating faster, my mind caught in the traffic of dreams.  I am suddenly craving life.

It is absolute madness my dear Lord...absolute madness. 

I beseech you.  Please hold onto my treacherous heart.  It is safer with you. 

Your troubled servant,