Trading green for blue

Where I live, I hear birds chirping.  All day long, the distant traffic sounds are punctuated by shrill peels of their glorification of Allah.

There is also a constant cool breeze that runs through the house when the windows are open. I look out and see mountains and acres of greenery in the distance.

Then, why, oh dear Lord, why is my heart set on the sea?  Why is it that I crave the whisper of gently crashing waves?  Why do I wish for salt on the breeze?  Why do I want sunshine on my face?

Would I trade green for blue?

Oh yes. Definitely.

Music - Making love

There is birth and there is death.  In between, you keep trying.

The above is a thought from yesterday which I was too tired to post.  Today's nugget of wisdom has not yet happened.  May be it won't. Nevermind.

I am in shopping mode these days....I am spending money on trivialities when in reality I need to be seriously watching my purse.

I am also obsessively humming 3 very different pieces of music. The first one makes love to my ears like a sensual lover. The second one gives me goosebumps given its prayer-like qualities.  And the third is an explosion of sounds that reverberates in corners of my brain and shoots right down to my toes..a bit like how my tastebuds explose when eating pani puri.

Here's my music:

Aching

I am aching tonight :( Especially my back and my arms.

I don't have the energy to cream up either.  My skin is very dry these days....to the point of even cracking. It'll have to wait. I really cannot be bothered.

Time for a painkiller and oblivion.

Down memory lane

I went down memory lane tonight.

I was looking for my original birth certificate when I stumbled upon a stack of old stuff. 

Now, I am not a very orderly person.  I do not have files labelled and papers double punched and neatly arranged in them.  My organization is limited to throwing what I consider important in one drawer and then hoping it is where I think it is when I need it!

Anyway...I fell on some old cards from M, some as old as December 2005!  And that threw me back into a time zone that no longer exists.

What a life it was!  What a different person I was then! And I wondered to what extent that person still exists in me now...

I also fell on tickets for a show (a gift from A).    And another piece of paper with his handwriting.  These are now in my wastepaper basket.

And the thought again floated in my head....maybe this business with cancer is just what I needed to unhook me from myself long enough for a new me to emerge.

And that is something that only time will tell...

39 days

Letting time do its job today took the form of movie watching, wrapped in a red blanket. 

39 days more to go.

Then and Now

Had cancer struck me a decade ago, I would probably have gone nuts.  I was too immature, gullible and emotionally weak to handle it then.

Had cancer struck me two years ago, I would have been totally devastated. I did not have the perspective to understand where it was coming from.

Had cancer struck me a year ago, I would definitely have fallen apart in pieces.  My poor heart could not have handled the heartache.  It was already aching too much then.

Now? Now, I think I can handle it.  I have the perspective, the emotional stamina and the coldness of heart to weather the storm. Alhamdulillah.

All I have to do is sink with each engulfing wave of chemo and come up for air whenever I can. 

But, hell!!!  I'd gladly pass on the nausea!  It is torture at its finest! All it takes is one wayward thought and the torture begins...

Looking Forward - 42 days

42 days. 

42 days to go till the end of chemo. 

Technically my last chemo date is 1st July 2011.  But since I feel utterly crappy the first two days, I've decided to add one more day to the ordeal.

I need to start this countdown NOW...to see the numbers dwindle. 

With each passing day, I will remind myself that the end is near.

The radiotherapy I'll tackle when I come to the Rx bridge.  For now, chemo is the enemy to overpower.

My Allah, please rush time for me.

Chemo No 4 - Dinner in a washbasin

It is not nice to see your dinner in your washbasin!

But after throwing up, Alhamdulillah, I get to temporarily forget my stomach.

I had a whole post written in my head for tonight.  But I am turning off the switch in my brain. 

Hoping to get through the night without a volcano bubbling in my stomach is ALL I wish for tonight.

Looking back

Tonight feels like the right time to look back. 

It all started on 16th January 2011.  I went for the breast exam package at AB Hospital after about a month of noticing the lump.  It was a sunny wednesday.  Right in the middle of the day.  The radiologist who did my sonomammography asked whether I felt the lump was cancer.

I said I don't know.  In fact, I knew the lump was trouble.  I knew right from the moment I felt it.  Nothing that hard and defined and totally painless could mean any good.

It's four months now. Four months. Three chemos.  Two surgeries. One fact: I have cancer.

I no longer cry over that one fact like I used to.  I still cry.  But not like I cried in late January.

Sometimes I wonder.  Do I have cancer cells somewhere in my body right now?  I think maybe, or yes.  Don't ask me why.  That's just what I think.

Four months, Dear God!!!  What a roller coaster ride of a life I am living!

On being appreciated

No matter how old you are, there always resides in you the need to be appreciated.

You may think you've proved yourself enough, surpassed others, left your mark and generally grown into a mature, well-balanced adult capable of handling distance and avoidance, but it takes one little truth to expose the need to be valued in you.

That need is in all of us, even though we may deny it with our tongues and shrugs. And that's a good thing.

In this world of change, it is good to occasionally encounter naked solid facts.