How do you say goodbye to a year that has held you tenderly in a loving embrace?
How do you kiss goodbye to the days and months that have shown you the better side of yourself?
How do you send away the time that has healed both your body and soul?
2011, I don't know how. All I know is that I've loved you. And that is sufficient for me.
Friday, 30 December 2011
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Fin Novembre, Debut Decembre
This song is entitled "fin octobre, debut novembre" (end of october, beginning of november).
If you slide the months just a little, it becomes my song.
Because that's exactly how I felt at the end of november, beginning of december....
If you slide the months just a little, it becomes my song.
Because that's exactly how I felt at the end of november, beginning of december....
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Live on
Something strange happened yesterday.
I received an email which should have put a smile on my face but instead I found myself brushing away hot tears. After a long long time I experienced a sense of loss, something resembling bereavement.
For the good news inevitably meant the severing of a relationship that I thought had ended a long time ago.
Human beings are wired to cope with such situations. Our minds shield our daily living from certain memories to enable us to live on, while hiding, in cookies and temp files, all those folders that contain pages of our lives we once lived but now cannot face.
Unfortunately, there is no delete button or recycle bin for those memories. So they linger in the graveyards of our minds and occasionally pop out to scare the hell out of us.
This morning I woke up much calmer. More zen. The corpses have once more been buried. The skeletons are back in the closet. The tears firmly held within their ducts. The heart once again bolted behind iron bars.
Life goes on. I live on....with my growing hair and my silence. My green water bottle and my dreams. My pomegranates and my wonder....I live on.
I received an email which should have put a smile on my face but instead I found myself brushing away hot tears. After a long long time I experienced a sense of loss, something resembling bereavement.
For the good news inevitably meant the severing of a relationship that I thought had ended a long time ago.
Human beings are wired to cope with such situations. Our minds shield our daily living from certain memories to enable us to live on, while hiding, in cookies and temp files, all those folders that contain pages of our lives we once lived but now cannot face.
Unfortunately, there is no delete button or recycle bin for those memories. So they linger in the graveyards of our minds and occasionally pop out to scare the hell out of us.
This morning I woke up much calmer. More zen. The corpses have once more been buried. The skeletons are back in the closet. The tears firmly held within their ducts. The heart once again bolted behind iron bars.
Life goes on. I live on....with my growing hair and my silence. My green water bottle and my dreams. My pomegranates and my wonder....I live on.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
Once upon a time I was rich...
Reading has been one of my hobbies forever it seems. I like books, stories, words. Reading made me rich.
But for the past 5 months or so, I have not read a single book! No concentration. No discipline.
Could it be that my own story has made all other stories irrelevant?
We all need to know our place in this life. It took me a long time to find mine. I looked for it in words strung like a beautiful necklace, in people that walked into and out of my life, in countries wide and far that swallowed me and spat me out.
Yes, once upon a time I was rich, roaming the vast expanses of faces, books and lands searching for my story.
Today, I know my story. But Grace sold me into slavery.
The story that I am is not mine.
The story, like the slave, belongs to Him.
But for the past 5 months or so, I have not read a single book! No concentration. No discipline.
Could it be that my own story has made all other stories irrelevant?
We all need to know our place in this life. It took me a long time to find mine. I looked for it in words strung like a beautiful necklace, in people that walked into and out of my life, in countries wide and far that swallowed me and spat me out.
Yes, once upon a time I was rich, roaming the vast expanses of faces, books and lands searching for my story.
Today, I know my story. But Grace sold me into slavery.
The story that I am is not mine.
The story, like the slave, belongs to Him.
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Mistakes
I made 3 mistakes today. In the midst of an otherwise perfect day.
One was that I mistakenly thought the piece of jewelly I was gifted was a necklace, when it fact it was one of the most beautiful tasbih (prayer beads) I have seen. Mind you, it fully qualifies for jewellery...just not to be worn! Thank you D&G :)
However, it was a mistake because it showed how far away I had drifted....lulled by the glitter of this life. Lately, my thoughts are often occupied with the mundane, the materialistic, the superficial, the illusionary. The filter that I thought would always be separating me from the rest of the world has, through neglect and temptations, been lifted, leaving me to mingle with the world. That is dangerous.
The second mistake was earlier in the day when I talked more than I should. My tongue said things that baffled my soul. I regretted it of course. But it was too late. The harm to me was already done. I realise that sometimes the need to fill silences get me yapping awkwardly, saying all sorts of uncharacteristic things. But it is not just that. It is a need to fit in, to be worldly, to be normal. I give out too much information, most of it quite unnecessary. In so doing, I defiantly test boundaries, I play with fire, I tempt the devil.
The third mistake was later in the day when I allowed an old version of me to surface. The impatience, the fault-finding, the curtness. It was a mistake because it could have been avoided today. All I had to do was find my way home and bow my head.
I must be careful. With my thoughts and my tongue, my eyes and my ears, my heart and my soul.
I have already lost one life. I cannot afford to lose the next one.
One was that I mistakenly thought the piece of jewelly I was gifted was a necklace, when it fact it was one of the most beautiful tasbih (prayer beads) I have seen. Mind you, it fully qualifies for jewellery...just not to be worn! Thank you D&G :)
However, it was a mistake because it showed how far away I had drifted....lulled by the glitter of this life. Lately, my thoughts are often occupied with the mundane, the materialistic, the superficial, the illusionary. The filter that I thought would always be separating me from the rest of the world has, through neglect and temptations, been lifted, leaving me to mingle with the world. That is dangerous.
The second mistake was earlier in the day when I talked more than I should. My tongue said things that baffled my soul. I regretted it of course. But it was too late. The harm to me was already done. I realise that sometimes the need to fill silences get me yapping awkwardly, saying all sorts of uncharacteristic things. But it is not just that. It is a need to fit in, to be worldly, to be normal. I give out too much information, most of it quite unnecessary. In so doing, I defiantly test boundaries, I play with fire, I tempt the devil.
The third mistake was later in the day when I allowed an old version of me to surface. The impatience, the fault-finding, the curtness. It was a mistake because it could have been avoided today. All I had to do was find my way home and bow my head.
I must be careful. With my thoughts and my tongue, my eyes and my ears, my heart and my soul.
I have already lost one life. I cannot afford to lose the next one.
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Cancer fatigue
Okay 2 blog posts in one night. But it's for the record really.
I am sure that what I am experiencing is Cancer Fatigue :(
I am exhausted. Constantly. No amount of sugar or sleep seem to be helping.
As for the pain, I am avoiding thinking it is chronic.
http://cancerhelp.cancerresearchuk.org/coping-with-cancer/coping-physically/fatigue/what-is-cancer-fatigue
It was good to have a name put on this state.
Now, time for sleep. Let's see what the fatigue-o-meter says tomorrow.
I am sure that what I am experiencing is Cancer Fatigue :(
I am exhausted. Constantly. No amount of sugar or sleep seem to be helping.
As for the pain, I am avoiding thinking it is chronic.
http://cancerhelp.cancerresearchuk.org/coping-with-cancer/coping-physically/fatigue/what-is-cancer-fatigue
It was good to have a name put on this state.
Now, time for sleep. Let's see what the fatigue-o-meter says tomorrow.
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
The challenge
The challenge, I believe, is to pay attention. To both what is visible and what lies hidden.
Too often I get caught in only one of those 2 states and I end up with an incomplete picture, a half-finished puzzle. This disturbs me terribly.
I am in pain tonight. My back aches. My head is heavy. My eyes sting.
What am I missing?
Too often I get caught in only one of those 2 states and I end up with an incomplete picture, a half-finished puzzle. This disturbs me terribly.
I am in pain tonight. My back aches. My head is heavy. My eyes sting.
What am I missing?
Friday, 21 October 2011
Good and Better
I caught myself being impatient tonight...for something as simple as geography!
And the next thought that flashed through my brain was: how can you forget?
Indeed, how can I forget? Forget that not so long ago, I was a better person. More indulgent, more compassionate, more willing to give of myself.
The danger with thinking that I am normal is precisely that: my normal self requires some serious fine-tuning. Don't get me wrong! On any given day, it is pretty much okay, except for the odd bits that annoy even my own self! But hey, there is still some road to travel to perfection.
I believe the good is still very much here, but why settle for the good when I've had a taste of better?
And the next thought that flashed through my brain was: how can you forget?
Indeed, how can I forget? Forget that not so long ago, I was a better person. More indulgent, more compassionate, more willing to give of myself.
The danger with thinking that I am normal is precisely that: my normal self requires some serious fine-tuning. Don't get me wrong! On any given day, it is pretty much okay, except for the odd bits that annoy even my own self! But hey, there is still some road to travel to perfection.
I believe the good is still very much here, but why settle for the good when I've had a taste of better?
Saturday, 15 October 2011
PHD signs...they are everywhere!
The signs that you are cured of PHD (post heartache disorder) are many. One of them is that you look at the happy family picture on facebook and check out the woman and her clothes and jewellery and her cute sandals and her short haircut and...realise (quite late) that you barely noticed the man you once loved.
Another sign is that you scratch your head and ask youself: how the hell did you not see that they are made for each other?
Yet another sign is when you quickly thank facebook for allowing you to stalk old loves without feeling any sense of guilt or any qualms....afterall, FB was the one that suggested that I check out the ex's profile!
And finally, the ultimate PHD sign is that you pull out the Mere Brother Ki Dulhan CD and proceed to give yourself a perfectly brainless saturday night before sleeping peacefully....all without your heart skipping even half a beat.
PHD signs...they are everywhere I tell you!
Another sign is that you scratch your head and ask youself: how the hell did you not see that they are made for each other?
Yet another sign is when you quickly thank facebook for allowing you to stalk old loves without feeling any sense of guilt or any qualms....afterall, FB was the one that suggested that I check out the ex's profile!
And finally, the ultimate PHD sign is that you pull out the Mere Brother Ki Dulhan CD and proceed to give yourself a perfectly brainless saturday night before sleeping peacefully....all without your heart skipping even half a beat.
PHD signs...they are everywhere I tell you!
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Dying to live
I have the feeling that 2011 will go down as the year I discovered what it means to live well.
I have met so many people, felt so many emotions, understood so many things that all the previous years of my life seem faded in a faraway past.
Yes, 2011 is the year when "dying to live" makes complete sense to me :)
I have met so many people, felt so many emotions, understood so many things that all the previous years of my life seem faded in a faraway past.
Yes, 2011 is the year when "dying to live" makes complete sense to me :)
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