Thursday, 5 May 2011

I hate you!

Amy, over at Babies or not, just blogged about hating chemo.  Funny that I too have intended to blog about hating since this morning.

I have been feeling this emotion for the past few days in fact. Hatred. It's not a mild dislike or an annoying displeasure. It's flaming red-hot HATRED.  An emotion so intense I don't think I've felt it often in my 35 years, if at all.  An emotion that makes my adrenaline flow with a vengence.  An emotion that might have very costly implications in the future!

Yes, I hate you!  By you, I mean my bathroom, my kitchen, my sofa, my bed, my bedsheets and pillowcases, my bag, my clothes, my mirror, my talcum powder, my creams, my facewash, my toothpaste, my fridge, my shower gel, my own body odour (yes, I can smell that too!), my laptop and the list is endless!

By you, I mean, all smells that I know and did not know I could know.

It's hard to describe really. All of a sudden, my nose is like a magnet, picking up on the minutest pieces of iron in this wide universe.   I smell things! And my synapses link all of those things directly to the hospital bed where I have chemo. And it makes want to barf.

I've tried cover ups with air fresheners, detergents, and other chemicals, but those make me ready to barf in fewer seconds! 

Lavender is something I hate with great intensity these days.  So please, if you wear lavender perfume, don't befriend me.  It's best for you, trust me.

Today, while chatting with OJM about this heightened sense of smell, we diverged onto intimacy issues.  Usually in hard times, the best thing to have is a supportive companion (spouse/boyfriend/partner/whatever). 

But let me tell you this.  With my nose as it is, I'm almost glad there is no man in the picture for me.   I am pretty sure I would have hated him too! 

The damage in terms of re-doing the house, my wardrobe, my entire self at the end of chemo may amount to a little forture, but at least with me, myself and I, I need not worry there would be any irreparable damage done to another poor soul.  Because, you see, with the level of hatred coursing through my veins, the potential for damage is very very high.


  1. Sorry to hear about your chemo. It must be grueling. My cousin had breast cancer and when I met her after she had gone into remission (this was a few years back) she just cried so much and told me that chemo is one thing she would not even wish upon her enemy. She told me about how much her mother took care of her during her chemo sessions and how miserable she felt each time she came back home from it...
    Wish you lots of luck and strength to get through this and get back to good health.

  2. Thanks Noon. Hope your mom is out of the zone now! It's hard for sure, but life is such...what can you do!

  3. You are right, better wait before coming to see us here as we are 3 men leaving with Din and temperature is now reaching 45'C and you will hate us...although I don't think you can hate the sunshine boys...
    Take care, G.

  4. No hate for the sunshine boys :) That's for sure!