My love,
Why do I resist you? Why are you avoiding me?
Come back please.
I need you,
S
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
I like people
I must be about 3/4 of the way into this cancer journey now. With only the Rx leg left, tonight feels like a good time for a mid-term assessment.
I remember starting this journey in Jan/Feb this year with at times frantic, panicky emotions and at other times romantic fantasy-filled notions of how I will handle it all.
So how has it been?
It is no walk in the park people. It is not fun. It is not easy. It is not terrible. It is just long and tiring.
But! Yes, there is a but! This is one fascinating life-changing journey. It is doing what any calamity does to a soul: it gives it a new life.
I could go into the one thousand and one ways of how I am a "changed" person, but that would require too much typing. So I will take one example only.
I, Shafeenaaz, have come to like people :)
Yes, my allergy to homo sapiens has disappeared! It may have taken me over 35 years, but finally, finally, I am learning to appreciate the power of human life. Every SINGLE human life.
And for that, I am grateful to the One who is The Witness. :)
I remember starting this journey in Jan/Feb this year with at times frantic, panicky emotions and at other times romantic fantasy-filled notions of how I will handle it all.
So how has it been?
It is no walk in the park people. It is not fun. It is not easy. It is not terrible. It is just long and tiring.
But! Yes, there is a but! This is one fascinating life-changing journey. It is doing what any calamity does to a soul: it gives it a new life.
I could go into the one thousand and one ways of how I am a "changed" person, but that would require too much typing. So I will take one example only.
I, Shafeenaaz, have come to like people :)
Yes, my allergy to homo sapiens has disappeared! It may have taken me over 35 years, but finally, finally, I am learning to appreciate the power of human life. Every SINGLE human life.
And for that, I am grateful to the One who is The Witness. :)
Opening Doors
Today, seeing a brother struggle to make sense of a world that is not his by choice, I was reminded again that faith is something quite complex. It is not just belief or working righteousness or praying or being a good human being.
It is also accepting. Taking the hard blows. Right in your stomach. And NOT punch back. Not even dodging the next punch.
Faith is when you need to close some doors on this earth. Because only when some doors are closed here are those above opened for us.
It is also accepting. Taking the hard blows. Right in your stomach. And NOT punch back. Not even dodging the next punch.
Faith is when you need to close some doors on this earth. Because only when some doors are closed here are those above opened for us.
Saturday, 9 July 2011
Wilted Flower?
I feel like a wilted flower...or should I say wilted creature? Because frankly I don't feel like a flower at all. I have not felt remotely pretty in a long time now. But I do feel wilted. It is this flu.
I spent last night with such short breaths that today saw me consulting a lung specialist instead of enjoying the sunshine and landscapes of this little piece of paradise called Mauritius.
Now, there is nothing more reassuring than a doctor who is more worried about me than I myself am! He frowned a lot, peeked and poked at me a lot and sent me rushing for a chest Xray immediately. Alhamdulillah the Xray was clear, but he thought long and hard before prescribing me some heavy antibiotics and 3 other little capsules which I am simply not bothering to know what they are supposed to do for my lungs.
So all in all, we are thinking this is just a nasty flu, and nothing related to the cancer. Incidentally, it struck me today that henceforth, any little big thing that my body does or does not do may or may not be related to cancer! That somewhere there may be a connection line between little manifestations here and there and Ca. But I am trying not to think about it much. I am quite frankly tired of diseases/illness. True enough, for the next 5 days I shall have to fight back the urge of vomitting at the sight of pills, but I have a good collection of happy thoughts to turn to for such times. Alhamdulillah.
It's all in the mind people. It's all in the mind. I have learnt to trick my thoughts. To shift them, block them, replace them. It is the law of substitution. It helps tremendously.
So tonight, it is loud pumping music in my earphones. To drown out the other soulful sounds. To get the wilted creature to perk up a bit :)
I spent last night with such short breaths that today saw me consulting a lung specialist instead of enjoying the sunshine and landscapes of this little piece of paradise called Mauritius.
Now, there is nothing more reassuring than a doctor who is more worried about me than I myself am! He frowned a lot, peeked and poked at me a lot and sent me rushing for a chest Xray immediately. Alhamdulillah the Xray was clear, but he thought long and hard before prescribing me some heavy antibiotics and 3 other little capsules which I am simply not bothering to know what they are supposed to do for my lungs.
So all in all, we are thinking this is just a nasty flu, and nothing related to the cancer. Incidentally, it struck me today that henceforth, any little big thing that my body does or does not do may or may not be related to cancer! That somewhere there may be a connection line between little manifestations here and there and Ca. But I am trying not to think about it much. I am quite frankly tired of diseases/illness. True enough, for the next 5 days I shall have to fight back the urge of vomitting at the sight of pills, but I have a good collection of happy thoughts to turn to for such times. Alhamdulillah.
It's all in the mind people. It's all in the mind. I have learnt to trick my thoughts. To shift them, block them, replace them. It is the law of substitution. It helps tremendously.
So tonight, it is loud pumping music in my earphones. To drown out the other soulful sounds. To get the wilted creature to perk up a bit :)
Friday, 8 July 2011
Breathing space
My PC is alive again. I don't exactly know what went wrong or where, but it is working and that is all that matters.
My memory and my eyes are playing dirty tricks on me. The memory is completly absent these days, while the eyes are apparently seeing ghosts from the past. Nevermind.
This flu is really exhausting me. I wish it would go away now. It has been hugging me so tightly for the past couple of weeks that I am now suffocating! What is worse is that it has stolen the fire in me. I have no energy to gloriously celebrate the end of torture. And I am getting tired of sounding like a frog. I need a break from this relationship. Some breathing space.
There are 2 new members in my cancer club. Both women about my age. One of them is actually pregnant and undergoing chemotherapy. But she is a tough cookie....she is doing it all with panache and a nonchalance that I wish I had.
So instead of moaning further, I will now pen off and read other blogs or stalk some friends on FB :)
My memory and my eyes are playing dirty tricks on me. The memory is completly absent these days, while the eyes are apparently seeing ghosts from the past. Nevermind.
This flu is really exhausting me. I wish it would go away now. It has been hugging me so tightly for the past couple of weeks that I am now suffocating! What is worse is that it has stolen the fire in me. I have no energy to gloriously celebrate the end of torture. And I am getting tired of sounding like a frog. I need a break from this relationship. Some breathing space.
There are 2 new members in my cancer club. Both women about my age. One of them is actually pregnant and undergoing chemotherapy. But she is a tough cookie....she is doing it all with panache and a nonchalance that I wish I had.
So instead of moaning further, I will now pen off and read other blogs or stalk some friends on FB :)
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
OMG!
I have just been re-gifted my words....from January 2005 (Thank you A). And I am SHOCKED!
OH MY GOD!!! Did I write all that? Was it ME??? Which me? Where is that me now?
Here's how my blogging started people:
I doubt that I will share more of my old posts here. That person I used to be does not seem to be around anymore! There really is no point in bringing back the dead!
OH MY GOD!!! Did I write all that? Was it ME??? Which me? Where is that me now?
Here's how my blogging started people:
Sunday, January 09, 2005
The Beginning
Hi everyone
To start off, let me just reassure everyone....
I am your average citizen of the world with no criminal records, no mental records, no outstanding financial records but plenty of emotional records...of all kinds.....so I guess that makes me just a common mortal.
I am not sure how far i will take this blog but as an initial guess, I think you will find here a mix of thoughts, feelings, views on the world and also, my favourite topic of the moment, religion.
Now before anyone freaks out, please note that I am a liberal fun-loving moderate believer in whose life religion plays a stabilising factor...
So welcome everyone...and let's get talking.
To start off, let me just reassure everyone....
I am your average citizen of the world with no criminal records, no mental records, no outstanding financial records but plenty of emotional records...of all kinds.....so I guess that makes me just a common mortal.
I am not sure how far i will take this blog but as an initial guess, I think you will find here a mix of thoughts, feelings, views on the world and also, my favourite topic of the moment, religion.
Now before anyone freaks out, please note that I am a liberal fun-loving moderate believer in whose life religion plays a stabilising factor...
So welcome everyone...and let's get talking.
I doubt that I will share more of my old posts here. That person I used to be does not seem to be around anymore! There really is no point in bringing back the dead!
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Blogging self-destructively
I can already forsee a time when I will pull this blog down.....scrap it, or private it...whatever.
When I go through my own posts, I realise that there is a lot of me out there through this space. Most days I am okay with it. But tonight, it is annoying me. Or is it the bad taste in my mouth that will not go away that is annoying me? Or the fact that I woke up at noon today? Or my inability to yank myself out of this lethargy and slow-mo life I am leading these days? Go figure...
Anyway, what started out as an urge to write and a compulsive need to remember (later) has turned into a platform where close and not-so-close ones get to read my thoughts and emotions.
I have personally invited some people to this space, who in the past I would never have let into my personal sphere....colleagues, friends, some family members, bosses, ex-bosses, exes in general.
When I look at my stats counter, I can identify those who read me on a regular basis based on their location. From Geneva to Doha, from USA to UK, from Dubai to Pakistan, from India to UAE, the East side of Mauritius to the West side, it is quite a few people who read me. I am heartened.
But the trouble is blogging demands a fair amount of disclosure. At least for me it does. I am no writer. I write only about what moves me. In the end, it is just a collection of experiences, mostly mine but occasionally a few extracted vicariously from the lives of those around me.
If I feel comfortable with what I write, I am sure a lot of folks think it is too much personal information out there. Anyhow, for now, blogging is just an activity that keeps me entertained. It is something to do.
But, I can feel it coming (annoyance is quite high tonight!)...the day when this space will disappear. Like the other blog.
Would pulling down my own words qualify as self-destructive behaviour? I wonder...
When I go through my own posts, I realise that there is a lot of me out there through this space. Most days I am okay with it. But tonight, it is annoying me. Or is it the bad taste in my mouth that will not go away that is annoying me? Or the fact that I woke up at noon today? Or my inability to yank myself out of this lethargy and slow-mo life I am leading these days? Go figure...
Anyway, what started out as an urge to write and a compulsive need to remember (later) has turned into a platform where close and not-so-close ones get to read my thoughts and emotions.
I have personally invited some people to this space, who in the past I would never have let into my personal sphere....colleagues, friends, some family members, bosses, ex-bosses, exes in general.
When I look at my stats counter, I can identify those who read me on a regular basis based on their location. From Geneva to Doha, from USA to UK, from Dubai to Pakistan, from India to UAE, the East side of Mauritius to the West side, it is quite a few people who read me. I am heartened.
But the trouble is blogging demands a fair amount of disclosure. At least for me it does. I am no writer. I write only about what moves me. In the end, it is just a collection of experiences, mostly mine but occasionally a few extracted vicariously from the lives of those around me.
If I feel comfortable with what I write, I am sure a lot of folks think it is too much personal information out there. Anyhow, for now, blogging is just an activity that keeps me entertained. It is something to do.
But, I can feel it coming (annoyance is quite high tonight!)...the day when this space will disappear. Like the other blog.
Would pulling down my own words qualify as self-destructive behaviour? I wonder...
Saturday, 2 July 2011
This July
I found it!!! I found it!!! I found it!!!
My post-torture celebration. Insha Allah it will be a night with Rahat Fateh Khan on 22 or 23rd July. My ears can't wait.
To all of you who want to join in the celebrations, come meet me there.
And it is not just a one-off celebration! I am eagerly awaiting an Andrea Bocelli CD (my French connections to get working on that!) and yes, new shoes at the end of the month!
This July seems goody-packed. Alhamdullilah :)
My post-torture celebration. Insha Allah it will be a night with Rahat Fateh Khan on 22 or 23rd July. My ears can't wait.
To all of you who want to join in the celebrations, come meet me there.
And it is not just a one-off celebration! I am eagerly awaiting an Andrea Bocelli CD (my French connections to get working on that!) and yes, new shoes at the end of the month!
This July seems goody-packed. Alhamdullilah :)
Chemo No.6 - Drawing the line
The sign of a good day is when you close your eyes in peace at night. I am about to surrender to that.
Today has been Alhamdulillah good. It was my 6th and last chemo session. Very nauseous but it'll pass. Just a few more days.
All I know is that Insha Allah I am NEVER EVER going through chemo again. I do not know what life has in store for me in the future. But I DO know that I will not allow my future to include chemo. No medical advice will convince me to go through this again. My will will stand in the way.
Like in all bad relationships, life brings you to a point where you need to draw the line.
Tonight is where I draw the line with chemo.
Adieu Chemo.
Today has been Alhamdulillah good. It was my 6th and last chemo session. Very nauseous but it'll pass. Just a few more days.
All I know is that Insha Allah I am NEVER EVER going through chemo again. I do not know what life has in store for me in the future. But I DO know that I will not allow my future to include chemo. No medical advice will convince me to go through this again. My will will stand in the way.
Like in all bad relationships, life brings you to a point where you need to draw the line.
Tonight is where I draw the line with chemo.
Adieu Chemo.
Friday, 1 July 2011
News
News!!!! How tantalizing they are!!! For some, it means a new beginning, for others a huge headache. But the beauty of it really lies in the fact that no one, absolutely no one, can know whether it contains any good or bad in it for themselves.
I think news are gifts that come differently wrapped. Some are crispy and shiny in appearance while others look dull and boring. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, only time has the ability to unwrap the gifts, sometimes to reveal pretty little things, at other times to release foul smelling odours that no one suspected were lurking underneath all the gloss and candy coloured paper!
Anyhow, today saw some news for some folks at work. Lots of excitement.
My news came from a sample of blood drawn by a needle. My blood results are looking good, Alhamdulillah. So Insha Allah, I will be undertaking my last chemo round tomorrow ( no, that is today 1st July)!!!! I don't think I have been this excited at the idea of chemo!
Soon, Insha Allah very soon, my hair will grow back. And with it, I will reclaim every morsel of my self that has eluded me lately. That is VERY exciting news. :)
I think news are gifts that come differently wrapped. Some are crispy and shiny in appearance while others look dull and boring. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, only time has the ability to unwrap the gifts, sometimes to reveal pretty little things, at other times to release foul smelling odours that no one suspected were lurking underneath all the gloss and candy coloured paper!
Anyhow, today saw some news for some folks at work. Lots of excitement.
My news came from a sample of blood drawn by a needle. My blood results are looking good, Alhamdulillah. So Insha Allah, I will be undertaking my last chemo round tomorrow ( no, that is today 1st July)!!!! I don't think I have been this excited at the idea of chemo!
Soon, Insha Allah very soon, my hair will grow back. And with it, I will reclaim every morsel of my self that has eluded me lately. That is VERY exciting news. :)
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