Something is irking me tonight. It's to do with poor decision-making.
It's thursday. End of the week almost and it feels like a lot has happened the last 5 or 6 days. Right now, I am exhausted both physically and mentally. Physically because I drove (and I dislike driving) while being drunk on a lot of beauty. I could not help the drinking and the driving was out of guilt really. Mentally, I am wasted because lately I feel like I have been battling the lethargy and depression of someone else in addition to coping with my cancer.
See, there is much resistance to change in my surroundings and a propensity to leave decision-making to later rather than sooner.
And here is where I fit, or rather misfit. I am, by nature (thank God for that), quite malleable regarding change and rather quick on taking decisions, both good and bad ones.
This latter trait is often mistaken for overconfidence (yes, ahem, according to certain folks, I am both overconfident and arrogant). I personally know that I have serious confidence issues but they seldom surface in decision-making. Simply because decision-making for me (when done by the grey matter and not the glass) is very organised and logical. No shortcuts. No overlooking facts. Just assess and jump.
So when others dilly-dally, postpone or cancel, fidget and moan, I am ready to pounce on them!
I know I must be patient. Be gentle. Use some tactics. And be patient some more. But first, I must STOP living others' lives along with my own.
In moments like now (and of course the long drives on meandering roads), I wish for one thing only. Someone with a sharp brain and wise witty remarks. Happy to indulge my craziness and frustration with the world. Forbearing with my excess and drama. Ready to gather the odd bits of me in a spontaneous embrace and kiss my forehead.