Fighting the wrong battles
by Shafeenaaz on Sunday, March 6, 2011 at 8:36pm
Today was not very good. Actually yesterday was not that good either. I went under anaesthesia a relatively charming person and emerged as a monster!
I have so far been rude to my parents, nasty (yet again!) to my sister and not very kind to my sulking self.
Funny thing is I am not in pain...in fact not at all. So I cannot blame my response to people on cancer. I am just in one of my deepest sulks ever!
Physically I may not hurting, but emotionally I am hurting quite bad today. I am even secretly wishing for some physical pain just so it may distract me from the other pain! That's how ingrate a person I am!
Tonight it occured to me that I have fought all the wrong battles in my life. The sad part is I fought them with determination, courage and passion. The sadder part is they were all the wrong battles.
Now that there is a real battle, do I have the energy to fight? Won't it be the saddest part if I can't fight the monster in me? Isn't that afterall what fighting cancer is all about?
It is impossible to fight certain cells in your body that for reasons known to themselves have decided to multiply in a lethal manner. It is impossible to find all of these cells and kill them. If you do kick them out of your body, it is still quasi impossible to prevent other onces from taking sweet revenge in the future.
What is possible is to look at this disease in the eye and hold its hand and walk together, for as long as it wants to keep you company. What is possible is to smile through it all and be sweet.
And here is where I failed today. I could not smile. I was not sweet.
I WILL try harder tomorrow. Somewhere down the road the reasons for smiling and being sweet will become evident. For now, I just need to fight the monster in me.