Sunday, 27 March 2011

My secret "Heart"

My secret "Heart"

by Shafeenaaz on Sunday, March 13, 2011 at 12:33am
I'll regret this tomorrow, I know...I deliberately mess up my sleep patterns with bloghopping and piriton and then complain that I can't sleep!

What to do? I stumbled on a fascinating cancer blog and simply could not stop reading!  Here's the link:

All day long, I have been quite lethargic and uninspired...there were no words knocking against each other in my head that were demanding release unto this space. Well, that was until I spoke to "Heart".

"Heart" is of course right :)  I need to stop reading!  She subtly reminded me of a time in my life when I used to take exams, and very intelligently drew a parallel with my current situation.  That fired up the words in my head!

Gee!!!!  The questions tumbled one after another.  Have I been a good student?  What else is left for me to do???  What's that last minute detail that I must get right in order to win this one??

It's been too long since I sat for any kind of exam...but I do recall how much of a freak I would be before an exam!!!!  I would study hard for months on end.  Right up to the eve of the exam.  The exam day itself would bring out the nerd in me.  I insisted on carrying my notes to school in a last-ditch attempt at revising anything I might have missed! (Uni saw me a little less nerdy and a***-retentive!).

Then I'd sit for a paper.  The combination of rote-learning, daredevilness (yes, I do possess that under my demure exterior!) and adrenaline rush would see me through the paper crunching figures and formulas that have now totally vanished from my memory.

But here's my secret.  Once into a paper, my mind had a unique ability to be on that page and nowhere else.  I repeat, nowhere else.  The hours would fly by, the minutes ticking without me noticing and then...then, a few minutes (maybe 5 to 8 minutes) before the pens-down gong, I put cap my pen and look up.  I had finished what I set out to do.  No revision, no corrections, no checking, no polishing.  Literally, no going-back.

I would sit there and watch the teachers or the other students.  Calmly. Totally composed. My breathing even, my mind crystal clear.  And once I had handed in a paper, I headed home.  Quickly. To food and my bed :)

That technique worked like a charm for me.  It eventually gave me a label.

I now realise that that's a technique etched in my DNA. The initial days after the diagnosis were somewhat like my pre-exam days.   Indeed "Heart", the running around, appointments, learning, googling, understanding, shuffling of ideas and concepts and procedures and implications etc are all a prelude to the test now looming large.

Please my Sweet Allah.  Please let my DNA kick in when it's showtime.

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